From A to Z
How do you get from A to Z when Z seems to be as far away as the moon? When promises are too big to be fulfilled in your own way. When it seems like you are walking on a treadmill not getting even a bit closer to Q. I had this crisis a few weeks ago. Some would call it an emotional breakdown however, I just called it for what it was a temporary lapse in faith.
For the first 29 years of my life I walked around aimlessly. I had no idea what Z was or anything that remotely resembled it. The closest I had ever gotten to it was when I had to practice writing it in preschool. I guess I thought that if you had all the “stuff” and you had “love” then you would be complete. You know like in the Jerry McGuire movie where Tom Cruise tells his leading lady that “You complete me!” So I strived for the stuff, and I found myself in a nice job with a nice apartment and a lot of stuff! So I sat there and I wondered what else I needed to “Complete Me.” Well, I was not dating so I decided I needed a little unconditional love and I bought a Pekingese named Baxter. So again I am sitting in my nice apartment, with my nice stuff, and my cute puppy, and my sports car sitting outside, and I am having what I would call at this point an emotional breakdown. It could not be a lapse in faith because at the time I did not even know what faith was! I was listening to a song by Sass Jordan, “I want to believe,” and it hit me that I did not believe in anything or anyone…. Not even myself. This song played a pivotal role in my life so I want to share the lyrics with you.
I Want To Believe
Sass Jordan
When will I die?
When will I marry?
Why do I cry for nothing sometimes?
Why do I feel like I’m in a hurry?
Feels like a race and I’m out of time
Like a lover turning into a friend
Somewhere a heart is getting broken again
How does this whole thing end?
I want to believe in something for real
I want to believe in something I feel
I want to believe it’s all that I need
I want to believe
Who will be king and who will be beggar?
When will I have this mystery solved?
Who said a ring could mean love forever
Nothing’s for sure except growing old
Will I always be here spinning my wheels?
Or does misfortune have a hand in the deal?
Is that how my fate is sealed?
I want to believe that love has a chance to survive
The dream to be as one
I want to believe in a nurturing love
And not just a sacrifice
Where is my home and where am I going?
When will I know and how will I know?
I had lover who turned into a friend
I had heart but it got broken again
And I don’t know if it ever will mend
Is this how the whole thing ends?
I think I realized at that point that it was not just about the “stuff.” However, I was not sure what it was about or where I was to go with this newfound knowledge that I had acquired.
So I will spare you the ugly details from age 21 to about 28. I was searching for meaning is the best way of putting it! So, I worked, did the corporate thing for a while and then realized work was not the answer either. So then I thought well maybe I need religion so I church hopped trying to find the one that believed what I believed<-That is hilarious! At 27 I met my future husband Brett, at 29 I met my new baby Allison and at 30 I met my new Daddy. I became a child of Christ. That is a whole other blog though. So back to my story of my temporary lapse of faith…. For a very long time in my life I wondered aimlessly not even considering my future. Now God has shown me some of the promises that He is going to fulfill for me, and a few weeks ago I was freaking out wondering how it could ever happen. Then my sweet sweet friends and my dear husband reminded me that when God promises us something that His Promises are always fulfilled. God even confirmed one of His promises during this crisis! Is He not the best! So when from A – Z seems like way to far away, I am learning to focus on the journey not the destination. I am positioning myself like a chess piece so that God will move me in the direction that He wants me to be in. I am also realizing that there will be bumps in the road, potholes at times, and that sometime there will even be mountains… Then I am reminded of Mathew 17:20 “”He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."” I will get to Z, and I am going to be happy that God has me on this amazing journey!
